You know what most frightened thing about life? If you ask me, my answer will be that the fact that in life everything is temporary, but funny thing is, it’s also make everything less scary, because again… everything is just temporary. Every beautiful thing, every happy moment, those are temporary. So does the sad things. 

Growing up, I learn many things about temporary feelings. I don't know about what others think, but I consider myself as a very loyal friend. When I love someone so much, I mean when I think of someone as my best friend that very close to my heart, I'll try my best to keep them around- sometimes there were times I am being too "possesive". As a strongheaded person, I had an ideal perspective on how everyone should treat their friends. When I don't like what I see, I dare to question it; why they've done such things. If I really care about someone, I will love him/her and that's my only motivation why I did and questioned this and that about them. That's why I feel sad about some of people that decided that they will no longer being so "close". I took my lesson and think about it for such a time. Years and years of learning, I did succeeded on discover why some things are just not meant to be. Because feelings are temporary. People grow, we are getting older, season changes, and how could we expect everyone would be the same person as they were in maybe, 10, 5, or 1 year ago? It is a normal thing to change; to have such temporary feelings. I thank God for everything that happened to me. No need to draw them back. It is all lead me to where I am now, and the progression I've been made is a learning from the my mistakes and other people's mistakes in the past. 

“I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.” 

~Henry David Thoreau

Solitude. S-o-l-i-t-u-d-e

One of my favorite word, What is so big about solitude? Nothing. But it means so much to me and it reflects me.

I love to be alone. Some of my favorite activities include sitting and browsing, at home or at cafe, sometimes with earplugs. I also love to walk, shopping alone, strolling for hours in bookstore.. alone with my thoughts … disconnecting and just writing … finding quiet with a good novel … taking pictures of random things. 

You know you. 

You know your dreams. You know your struggles. You know your passion. You know how much things matter to you. And if you don't, you begin to realize that you can only find out if you spend time with yourself. I don't get why most people are scared of being alone. If anything, it is the most nurturing phase of your life. Spending time with yourself, reflecting on the things that concern you and not being defined by another person is as crucial to one's spiritual growth as is happiness and contentment. Loneliness is definitely underrated and people would do anything just to avoid being lonely. We associate it with sadness and depression, when really it should be symbolic of self-evaluation, growth and even...happiness.

I don't mean to say that everyone likes solitude all the time. I have a few close friends with whom I like to spend time, even if it's in silence rather than shit talk and loud laughs and travel with them, and I still need them from time to time.

But from years of enjoying my solitude (since I was a kid honestly), I learn to love myself more. 2016 was the blast of life.. I learned so much, and know myself to the point I never thought before. Until this very moment, I still amazed at the fact on how different I am now, than way back before 2016. There were a lot of things going on and it slaps me so hard to finally embrace the change. Mood swings. Racing thoughts. Guess what? Sometimes it's normal. It's hormones. Maybe it's a process of our physical strength. It's our body that changing. In solitude I learn to embrace the increasing age and maximize my potential while I am still young. I lived a significant phase in my active solitude, the very state that enabled me to produce my enduring writings and poems. Helping people more. Singing in the churches. Travel to many places. And in the solitude, I find that I am not alone at all. 

When I look at my ID Card, I am reminded once again that I am already 26. When I was in my 20, I have never thought that 26 would still feel as light and normal as this. I mean, I don't even feel old. For a lot of Indonesian, 25 is like an extreme OMG moment where you just suddenly start worrying so much about everything and every time. I have to be honest that I once, maybe when I was around 20 or 21, stating that "aaah 25 will be perfect for me to marry". Seriously. No kidding. Then I came to my 24th birthday then I laughed so hard about the the silly "goal" I have made. It was so unreal, I was like 24, one more year from the so-called "goal" and I don't even have any boyfriend yet. And everything doesn't seem much different for me than when I was 20. I still have a lot of dreams, still love to play with my friends, love my solitude, and still a girl with many dreams and doesn't really include marriage in one of it, unless I met the perfect person. I think God is so kind to bless me with such happiness that age and marriage does not seem to be of any limit nor boundary. What is age? It's just a number. For real.

I never say I never feel alone. Oh, I do. Sometimes, when I am really bored with my novels and my friends. When I see my fav Hollywood or movie couples. Hahah. I dream of a compatible person to have a chat with. Nothing turns me off more than a man who doesn't know how to maintain a "real" conversation with me. I know that couples doesn't need to always into the same thing. But it has always been amazing to find a person/or a friend that clicks with you in some topics. Because I love a good quality conversation. And I admit it's a rare thing to find, tbh I am not that lucky in real life.

If the journey of finding one’s soul mate are so dreadfully hard, is it any wonder that a growing number of people choose to go solo or remain single?

Most of the time, I dont want to go out with some man before I feel something with them. But sometimes I do go with them, purely based on slight interest or curiosity. It's the "adventure me" that talking. It doesn't always mean I like them. Well maybe I like them, but if someday I decided that the feeling is not there and it feels more like ordinary friendship, I will not hesitate to cut it right away before they expect for "more". I learned in my old experiences, holding on to someone's feeling for so long will not do any good for both parties.

Maybe I seem cold. But not in my wildest dream I intend to hurt anyone. I don't like to torture people. I hope and pray that everyone will meet someone that will become their soulmate. I always ask God first, and somehow He told me what to do and what is not to do. I know He dwells not only near me, but within me. I just believe it. Of course I would like to marry. I can imagine myself marry, yes, simply because I always have a soft spot for wedding dress (thanks to designers and Western tv shows); but I can't imagine myself building a family with some kind of guy that I DON'T really need. The thought of bearing kids is scaring me, to be honest. So the man would have to be perfect. He doesn't have to be perfect-"perfect", but he has to be perfect for me. Perfect in God's eyes. See the difference? He doesn't have to be super handsome or super rich, but he has to be right for me. The man who will enjoy our togetherness for his entire life and also letting me be happy sometimes with my solitude, and I'll also let him to be himself.

I am not willing to settle for anything less. I know the importance of staying true to myself and I also realize that sacrificing our needs for the sake of love with the wrong person will only cause resentment in the long run.

In my solitude, I try my best, everyday until now, to be a better person. There are still so many things to learn, I am really far from perfect... But I can say that I am not where I used to be. Because I've been learning so hard, why would I still settle with the man who resembles my old-shallow criteria? Because men who doesn't know God are shallow and they are not consistent to commitment. I am really thankful to God that He's been teaching me so many things everyday since the start of 2016. Nothing is more important than to live my life with the right person. Other than that, I'd rather enjoy my solitude.

Being single for maybe 6 or 7 years, I know myself more from solitude. What I really want in life, and what matters the most in me. Solitude is a perfect moment to learn, enjoy, embrace, expand, and happy with yourself. It's a very wonderful nurturing phase, in a short time or a long time. While we're waiting for any great things that I believe will happen in our life, I'll just enjoy a cup of my favorite Earl Grey tea and smile to the world because it taught us wonderfully; and will always be our best teacher.