Since I was a little kid, I always dream to be a designer. Growing up, my "dream-job" list is getting longer. I wanted to be an architect, a writer, badminton athlete, astronaut, actress, stylist, working in a magazine... Never in my wildest dream I intended to be a doctor.
Life can be so playful sometimes. Until now, I still don't exactly know why I entered med school. One thing I remember; I didn't trust myself that I could finish my engineering school on time due to my laziness and how bad I am on maths (building and structure requires a lot of maths). I decided to retry the university exam again on the next year. All I knew was, I really wanted to move from Makassar and study abroad; maybe Bandung or Jakarta. But my parents was against my decision and they convince me to try local med school instead. I agreed and.. I got accepted, I didn't even know how it could happened. I was really scared after that. It was flattering; but scary. I didn't know if I could make it. I didn't even like blood for God sake. I didn't get the vibe that maybe most of Indonesian students feels; the euphoria of being med student. I felt like I wanna let go of the chance and go back to my architecture major. I really was not ready to be a new student again and to learn completely new things.
In the end of day, after a lot of arguments with parents and with myself, especially.. I finally agreed to enter med school. And that's the beginning of everything.
Do you think my problem was solved when I decided to jump in med school? No. I got a harsh start. I struggled with new subjects. I struggled with a totally 360 degrees-different way of studying. I struggled with new orientation at faculty that I had to take again. And most of all...I missed my friends so much. There were those times when I ran off my class and go to meet my architecture friends and had lunch with them. Anyway, I tried my best to stay still and believe that someday I would get through my education. I met several good friends at new school and join an organization. I learned and learned to put my heart into the subjects. I learned to get an aspiration to be a doctor.
Do you think my problem was solved when I decided to jump in med school? No. I got a harsh start. I struggled with new subjects. I struggled with a totally 360 degrees-different way of studying. I struggled with new orientation at faculty that I had to take again. And most of all...I missed my friends so much. There were those times when I ran off my class and go to meet my architecture friends and had lunch with them. Anyway, I tried my best to stay still and believe that someday I would get through my education. I met several good friends at new school and join an organization. I learned and learned to put my heart into the subjects. I learned to get an aspiration to be a doctor.
I continue and continue, the only thing in my mind was to get rid of this school as soon as possible. I didn't care about my scores as long as I pass. To be honest, I spent most of my 1st and 2nd year regretting going to med school. "Duty" prevented me from dropping out, but I fantasized about it on an almost daily basis. On the 3rd year, I entered my field study or usually called "Kuliah Kerja Nyata" in remoted areas for 2 months, and that was one great game-changer. It turned out to be a meaningful experience for me. I enjoy living among villagers and involve in health services for them. We did many social works and programs and I really loved it. I enjoy teaching children and touched by the fact they love it so much and put their best effort into it. I think this experience might be a relief; that I can do such things on people; as a medical student, and I feel grateful about it.
On my 4th year, I entered my clerkship. Or internship time in hospital. It was a whole new term of medicine - it's practice time! Now I had to face the real patients and real diseases, as an assistant of the real doctors. I found it hard, but surprisingly.. I liked it much more than my pre-clinical study. I love to encounter people and speak with them. Studying medicine in classroom makes me bored and sleepy, but as an intern, I have to do much more than just reading book. Clerkship was dynamic and unforgettable. Those sleepless nights, having patients in the middle of the night, morning calls, patients visits, presentations in front of doctors; senior and professors, non stop exams in each department, getting our best effort to get rid of killer doctors and rotation... it was hell of a ride.
Finished the clerkship wasn't the end of the journey. I had to take several more exams in order to becoming an MD (medical doctor). I was at the edge of patience, I hated my exams more than anything in the world. It seems like the whole world; my universiy, and my country, doesn't want me to be a doctor that easy. They implemented those new rules and phases that we have to take. It seems like there are hundred stages of exams that we have to take before FINALLY we can take the "real" national exam. Everything was so much easier back then for old medical students! Why do we have to get this new rules. I failed the pre-exam thrice. When I passed the pre-exam, the next step is to take the try-out exam, and I failed again. Fyi, if you fail any of these steps, it means you can't take the national exam and you have to wait for three months to retry all those staging exams again. So, yeah. I had to wait again in three months.
..
For us human, there are always going to be some bad times. Times when you feel like there is no one that can help you. Times when you question if you're worthy enough to become someone everyone hoped u to be. There is generally a lot of pressure to “stack up” in our culture. In my case, my hardest time was the moment when I keep failing on my late exams and my parents still being good to me. They were disappointed; of course, but they were too good to say it in front of me because they were afraid it would lead me into bigger breakdown. I even thought on quitting all of these shits. Can't even understand why I entered med school in the first place.
'Ok, maybe I am not good enough'
'just quit, you don't fit medicine, you know that but you keep pretending..'
All those old negatives "voices" seemed to fly in the air again and consumed me so hard that I just want to throw all my books away. This was going on for like a month until my aunt came to me and asked me to meet one of her friend. My aunt told me that she is a good person to have a chat with, and why wouldn't I just try to come and chit-chat with her, just have a good sharing and we'll see if it can help me. I decided to come with no excitement. Well, at first, we didn't talk much. She is a nice lady, but I am not the type of person that able to talk about myself with a person I just met. So it was short and I went home. Few days later, my aunt called me again. She said, Bu Ros (it 's her name) called her and say that she's got this vision-of me-that God wants to use me in His plan-that He is preparing me for something great. She also said that this vision came in dream as well, and that's why she wants to meet me again. My aunt pushed me to meet her again. Then I finally came to Bu Ros again and now we talk a lot of things.
I don't remember how many tissues I used that afternoon - all I remember is these Bible verses she gave to me.
 |
| wallpapers taken from tumblr, editing and caption by me based on KJV version of Holy Bible |
These verses slapped me in the face that hard; then I realized I've been through a lot lately. It wasn't a matter of exam only, it was more than that. It was a faith war. To focus only on God's grace and awesome things; I challenge myself over and over again. How to be confident; believe in God's faithful words, every now and then. I don't want to be blown and tossed by the wind. Every day I am still learning. Not just about education, but how to live in God physically and mentally. Then I decided that I wanted to "experience God" by myself. I don't want to inherit the faith from my parents only, I have to try to find the "faith" by myself as well.
My "faith journey", that's how I name it, started from January this year. I committed to know God more. The simple way is reading the bible everyday. But I also added the need to read daily devotional everyday and write the things I got from today's devotional. I've been doing this for 7 months now, and by doing so, now I can't easily forget the important messages I just get that day. Sometimes I also write some prayer and letters, you know, like speaking to God Himself. This is just a thing I try to do and I surprisingly I found myself really, really relieved with that. Maybe because I like to write; I am very much a writing-person. I studied around 9 to 12 hours everyday, and pray every night and morning. There were a few occasions thou, that I fell asleep right after study...I am too tired to read the bible again. But I continue to do this routine and personally, it helps me a lot through the day.
The try-out exam result out in January (three months after my first try), and I passed.
I finally arrived at the mighty exam. THE NATIONAL EXAM. The exam that decides if you are eligible to become an MD. The exam so feared; that every person has to invite some private tutor from some trusted medical-learning institutions to teach them privately for around two weeks or even a month. The exam with increasing failure rate year by year. I felt so excited but afraid at its best. Excited because I finally reach the end stage after struggling with those pre-exams. Afraid because I've seen a lot of my colleagues failed this exam. Many people failed actually, and some I know even have to take it more than 4 times. Seriously. It means a whole new year-postponed. Crazy. I don't want to be that person. I tried my best to study study and study everyday. Consistently reading the books and analyzing some cases until my brain hurt. I always felt insecure thou, I think my friends were really great, they seem to be improving so much because they have more study time than I did. It felt more exhausting for me to study in long hours because basically I am not really a diligent person. But as I had mention to you before, we have to challenge our limit every now and then.
The national exam was over, and it was very dilemma-tic. I think I might answer some questions right-but I don't feel too convinced anymore after I heard those post-exam discussions. Moreover, I didn't even check my answers twice!! We had a limited time, and the questions were super long; I think I failed on using time management correctly. So I just went on with my first choice. God knows how much I wanted to go home and sleep right after that. Just forget everything..
A month is the time that needed to get the result of the national exam. Now I have to wait again. In medical world, you have to be patient as well. I don't know why it took so long though, knowing that our answers was examined by computer program. So no human involved in that. I spent those days with relaxing a bit, and going out with my family, not to overthink about it. But when the day was getting closer; say it 3 days before the announcement on the website, I can't sleep at night. I continue praying of course, but then a day before, I made myself clear.... I will accept everything. I can feel God told me to just let loose. I have to BELIEVE and wait. If it's granted, it's His grace. If it's not, it's STILL His grace. I tried my best thou. Worry is okay. In this case, even Jesus Himself once clarified His worry and sadness in front of His Father, when He knows He's about to die. And do I about to die? No. Here's how Jesus taught me how to pray correctly :
"And He went a little farther, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, “O My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as Thou wilt.”
- Matthew 26:39
Then I surrendered. I surrendered myself in front of God, that's how I live my life until now. To ask some things; but still give the rest to Him. He works in His own way and none of us can do anything about it...but pray. And believe. Believe that He will give us the best thing in life. That night, I didn't care anymore if I didn't pass the exam. I even managed to think the plan if I fail the exam, the tutor I have to take...and so on.
I chose to believe. And here I am now. I passed the national exam. One-shoot.
*rain of flowers from the sky* *tears of joy*
I didn't confident with my answers. Now I somehow believe that God made my answers right. Really. It can't be any more explainable than that. God is Almighty and kind. When I am ready to fail, He gave me the best result. Seriously.
I've come to realize that time is the most valuable thing, more valuable even than money.
The thing I came to realize most in medical school is how valuable time is. In med school that whole situation changed. I had to actually budget time. I really don't like that. If I could go back I'm not sure I would choose medicine again. I would choose something slower paced with a lot more free time. I don't want to just be focused in on one thing my whole life and be lacking in every other area of knowledge and experience. I also don't want to wait until I'm 60 to do 'this' and 'that'. But turning back time is impossible. And if I reviewing my journey to become an M.D... I am not regretting it at all. I was kind of late to finish the school, but look at the process. Life is about choosing. I might be late, but I managed to experience so many things along my study years.
Being a member of AMSA (Asian Medical Students Association), I had the opportunity to visit some cities and organize some events, to go to Philippine as an exchange student, to make friendships with people around the Asia. I met my choir friends in Makassar Choral Society, some of them happen to be the most wonderful persons whom is close to my heart until now, and I had those chances to participate in two prestigious choir competition in Bali and Manado and got gold and silver medals for that. I went to some pretty places and countries, I had the most memorable moments ever while traveling, and again; to visit new places and meet new friends are beyond bliss for me. And I did all of these things while juggling in med school as well. It may seems IMPOSSIBLE for a med student, but I made it. I fully realize it's my choice....to experience everything I passionate about when I still have the time. I might be a lil late because of that. But for sure, my life has been great. If I didn't enter med school, I don't think I will experience any of this moment. My life was great. My GOD is great. Thank you Jesus, thank you so much.
In my case, sometimes I still do think what if I did choose to become a journalist traveling the world...or anything. But then I remember that saying about the color of the grass on the other side. It is always greener, guys. Live the life you have now with happiness and passion. Of course I still have so many goals in my heart, those things I want to achieve.... but now, I give it to God to decide it for me.
All that mess and stress is an investment for my life because neither can we repeat nor rewind time and these moments of constant craze will be missed. I am lucky to have such a supportive system where my parents and friends are willing to help me and make me happy. Thank you God for them.
 |
Thank you God for my patients; you are my best teacher. Thank you for made me realize that being an M.D might not be my passion...but it is, "my calling". Because me, as myself, I wouldn't be here today if it's not for Him. He has prepared me for something greater than myself: to heal people.
Hi universe. Like it or not, I am your medical doctor.
2 comments
Hai sister. Sy diberkati dgn tulisannya. Pas banget dgn kondisi sy saat ini. Hehehehe, skrg jd berasa gak sendiri.ternyata setiap org punya pergumulannya masing2. Dan tentunya pengalaman2 ini yg bikin pencapaian kita nanti semakin memuaskan.. keep writing yah ��
ReplyDeleteu must be my cousin, Thenty. Puji Tuhan ya say, senang skali bacanya. Indeed, God has His own righteous way for each of us. love xx
ReplyDelete