“Why aren’t you married yet?”
"Why aren't you have kids yet?"
"How much you paid for your house?"
“How much money you earn?”
As an Indonesian, it’s common for us to be bombarded by "awkward" questions from people in our life. I always wonder, what makes someone ask you when you’re going to get married or start a family, or how much you paid for your house, or how much money you earn?
The list goes on and these questions never end. The problem is not with the questions but the intentions of the people asking them. They probably think of it as a good conversation starter (read: basa basi). They maybe think it would break the "ice" of a meeting. They maybe genuinely want to know the reason or they are simply care about you. I can mention some more, but all I can say asking "this kind of question" can be extremely personal for some people.
Let's just take a deeper insight of this topic with my own experience.
*disclaimer: curse words are here for the first time ever. please beg my apology, it's just a part of my 'sass' 😂
*disclaimer: curse words are here for the first time ever. please beg my apology, it's just a part of my 'sass' 😂
In certain age, we Indonesian ladies have to be ready to face the dreadful "interrogation" from the elders or friends. I am a single Indonesian woman in my twenties (28 and proud). It’s quite common for me to be bombarded by marriage questions from people in my life. I got “When are you getting married?” questions so many times since two or three years ago I’ve got my answer down to a science.
First of all, what is your response?
For me, I never got mad if anyone asked me this question. Ever. I always joked about it and laughed with them. Most people ask "innocently enough", but after the 2,424th time you’ve heard it, it’s annoying. When we’re too tired to give them the same answer, the only thing we could do is smile, laugh or shrug. Sure, they may be genuinely curious about the next steps in my life, but it’s gotten to the point where every time I go out with some friends or go to a wedding, there’s a "wink-wink" from friends, or even totally random people who decide that asking about "when will my wedding happen" is a common thing to do. Excuse me, are we even close? They can ask me if I am happy, ask me about my dog or my job, ask me literally anything else. But almost every time they ask this question, they perpetuate the notion that marriage is the ultimate "goal", that it’s what’s best for me. Like being single isn’t something to celebrate.
I am usually an IDGAF (I-don't-give-a-fuck) person when it comes to this kind of situation. But after a while (yearss), believe me it would make anyone feel a little insecure. I am not a robot, people. We are not robots. We single ladies have feelings.
A few moments ago, I was at a day out with friends and I still got some comments about not being married yet, and how HAVING KIDS is such enjoyment and why don't I have any yet — my mouth was on the edge of bursting some "spicy" reply, but instead ended up awkwardly laughing along with them. Holy Spirit won. Lol.
But, I am done of ignoring. I need to write this down and I need people to read it. I have been asked this kind of question (directly and indirectly) so many times; so does many people I know. If I could have a penny for every time someone has asked "when are you getting married", I would be a billionaire. Today is not the time for me to stay silent. Nope, darling. You bitches and everyone who keeps asking "toxic" questions over and over again, you have to sit down now and listen to me.
Girl, who says we all want to be like you? Marry in such a young age, give birth to kids year per year, working at home and serving husband only? Of course I am not against all of that at all, that's completely your choice and I respect that; but uh-oh, I don't care about your life at all. Why would you care about mine? Funny, now I realize that I also often get "that question" while I am busy travelling with friends or hanging out; and partying. Someone would literally slipped into my DM and ask "jokingly" about "wHen wiLL I stOp tRaveLLing aNd tHinKing aBoUt mArRiage". Bitch, what the fuck?
Now I get that so many people are honestly jealous with us single ladies. They wish they were us. I am not saying everyone, but there are sooo many people out there that is very jealous with the freedom that we have. Freedom to come home as late as we want, freedom to go anywhere we want to, whenever we want to, sleep as late and wake up as late as we want to, travel with whoever the fuck we want, laugh as hard as we want until our stomach hurts, no restriction to wear anything that we like, eat whatever we want without worry about our perfect bodies, and the freedom of chasing our dreams! I read (and personally know) some people who regret their decisions to get married and have kid in such a young age, and wish they would postpone it a few more years. They would also message me from time to time whenever I post my activities on social medias. These ladies said to me: "enjoy your freedom as much as you can, babe". Others are not so honest. Some shallow ladies usually hide behind their "status" and keep loathing about our singleness while they are secretly not happy with their life. I follow many psychologists in the social medias and they said that these years, many of their patients are unhappy-married couple. Dang.
Look, I am not against marriage. Marriage is a holy thing. Of course I would love to have my own family. I also know some people who doesn't want that (marriage and kids). Not common, but they are exist. In Europe or America, this kind of people are everywhere. For now, I am very happy and content with myself and I am really busy and booked, baby. I have so many to-do-lists everyday, I literally need to write it in my agenda to make sure I do everything. And there are also many goals that I still want to tick off from my box before marriage. I have business to do, places to go, concerts to attend, and so on. I am young as fuck, people. Geez. I choose to be happy and thankful with everything I have now. Indonesians are really close-minded when it comes to "marriage stigma", oh my God.
To be honest, I often feel pity whenever I see a tired mom in a mall running around looking after her crying kids. Hey, I work in a mother and children hospital. I see a LOT of foolish mothers everyday; who doesn't know how to feed their kids or simply ignoring the fact that their kids need ASI instead of susu formula (the mothers had ASI on them but they chose formula instead), or simply blind to the signs that their kids are malnourished and sick. This saddens me a lot and these experiences trained me to be "ready" for my future. I promised to myself that one day I'll be a good mother, unlike those irresponsible young mothers.
People, let us do whatever the fuck we want to do.
Period. Therefore, shut your mouth. You do not own me, so you can't tell me what is the right or not right thing to do. Don't tell me about responsibility; 'cause bitch, I am a grown up, of course I know all about that. Don't tutor me darling. I already have my parents and my God to guide me, I don't need you. We don't need to deal with anyone who ruins our vibe. 2019 is all about positivity. 2019 is all about being busy and booked. I am not dealing with bitter audiences, bitter asses, bitches who gives us bad vibe, or any unnecessary jealousy. My fellow single ladies are happily chasing their dreams now. They study as high as it allowed, run their businesses, have relationship with their long time boyfriends, appear in TV and runways. We are enjoying our sexy and slim bodies, climb mountains, party until morning and travel around the world. It's not our fault that your life is boring, hun. Pray more, darling. Pray more. Be thankful with your life.
Please, my dear kind Indonesians, stop asking anything too personal too anybody that you know (unless you are his/her parents, close family or closest friend and you ask it when there is just two of you). That's impolite. Seriously. Not everyone want your life.
Now I know the feeling of constantly being asked "that question", I try not to ask other lady or other couples the same question. One day when we have kids and haven't slept for days, we'll appreciate these years where it was just us and our freedom!
How we answer these toxic questions is very insignificant. How these annoying questions affect our confidence and peace of mind is important. We need to be secure in ourselves. You are smart. When you realize the intentions of the questions are to hurt you, you just do the opposite - try not to get hurt in order to defeat their purpose. But when you are already really, really bored with it, I suggest you answer it with a simple answer and relax manner. Let me help you with the comebacks that (hopefully) will shut their mouths up:
1. "I am getting married on Saturday or Sunday."
2. "Relax, I am too young to settle down."
3. "My boyfriend wanted to, but then his wife found out..."
4. "I am currently in relationship with freedom."
5. "I will, when people stop asking that."
6. "I am married to Benedict Cumberbatch"(or fill it with your own idol)
7. "Oh, are you going to sponsor my wedding?"
8. "When I want to."
9. "Tomorrow, but you're not invited."
10. Smile is a wise answer of every question.
15 comments
Getting married is not a measure of happiness...
ReplyDeleteJust enjoy your life now...
and enjoy the process...
there will be a time,
when God will send someone to be with you... Someday..
Some single men/women are desperate to find the other half. In the other hand, some married people are really unhappy as well. I say, let’s just be thankful with our life.
DeleteMadaaaaaam.. hamba penggemar sejati madaaaam.. My fave answer when hit by that kind of question will be: Tomorrow, but you're NOT INVITED! MUAHAHAHAHAHA
ReplyDeletehahahha who says u’re invited? 💁🏽♀️
DeleteThat’s right, cause life is totally is determined byself, abaikan saja semua “tekanan sosial” itu,, huhu
ReplyDeleteLet it be, let it be, let it be, let it beeee~ (om Paul McCartney)
DeletePeople will ALWAYS find “something wrong” with others’ lives. That’s something I just found out myself, and still trying to make peace with.
ReplyDeleteThey wont stop with when you’re getting married and having kids questions.
Case in point:
“Both of your children are girls? It’s ok (concerned face) have one more and you’ll have a boy”. Bitch I know it’s ok to have all girls. And no, we’re not close enough for you to plan the number of kids i’m gonna bear. One even dare to laugh at my face for not having a boy and a girl.
I recently witness people nitpick a 50 year old woman for only having one kid. For fuck sake. She’s 50! And people still have the nerve to criticize her. Sad.
Sori jd curhat hahahaha
It’s crazy to find many Indonesians are sadly, bunch of shallow minded people. Ibaratnya punya mulut di-“gas” terus ga bisa di rem. Trus kalo ditegur malah bilang “yaelah gitu doang marah” 🤣. Too bad I haven’t had a chance to shut them off in front of their faces just yet. Probably next time we should do that, it’ll be fun. Lol
DeleteHahahhaa
ReplyDeleteperasaanmu ini bro wkwkwk
DeleteBodo amat
ReplyDeletebodo amat is the way!
Deletesetuju sih.. pertanyaan2 basa basi yg kurang berbobot klo ketemu org pasti gitu.. ����
ReplyDeletePaling suka kalo baca blog ka liku trus bahas ginian! Tosh! I’m 26 and still single but i’m proud of that. Mungkin bisa ditambah 1 lagi jawaban that will shuts their mouths up kak : “Ya cowoknya aja yg belum bisa dapetin gue." Savage. Wk. Oh geez we both have the same thought and u make me feel better about it kak *clapclap* jadi pengen kenalan dgn kak liku maybe you can be my sister (sangbene) hehe
ReplyDeleteHahaha that's a good answer. Thank you sis, kenalan yuk hehe
Delete