Lately, many days I went to sleep worried about many things.

I ask that to myself every once in a while. I thought I might be a little bit depressed, but after checking out some of my old psychiatry materials in college, I found that I cannot be categorized as someone with depression. To be diagnosed with depression, theoretically one must have not just a blue mood but "..rather persistent feelings of sadness and worthlessness and a lack of desire to engage in formerly pleasurable activities." 

Okay, I am not depressed. I might be sad, angry, confused, afraid, over-thinking, and worried, but I still do my normal activities and socialize with friends. I can't be diagnosed with depression cause I don't have life dysfunction. I am clearly still want to engage in pleasurable activities. I just have to agree that I only have acute stress syndrome mixed with acute anxiety syndrome. I keep this to myself because I think my family wouldn't accept the fact that I've been feeling anxiety and stress because I think they will accuse me of being too 'dramatic' over things, whereas anxiety and stress are very common things to feel. It's funny when people expect you to be 'normal' all of the time. That's why the rate of mental health problems keeps increasing year by year - some of the closest relatives and friends doesn't take these patients seriously. 

Maybe I haven’t slept for a full night in months because I am thinking constantly about whether God is going to answer my prayers and when. I want God to be in my life and to respond. It's been the same prayer all over again, but the problem is, I go to bed worrying and I wake up worrying.

The thing with us believers: when we are so overwhelmed by the pressures of the world, we just have to believe on what we can't see. Sometimes it's really hard. Honestly. Sometimes motivational quotes are not gonna help. Sometimes friends poking on your back and says "..everything's gonna be all right" are not gonna help. It is your mindset you have to fix. It is your faith that need healing.

Few days ago, I was in my room at the hospital, doing my night shift. It's past midnight already, and I can't sleep. I had the tachycardia (abnormally rapid heart rate). I feel tired but I can't close my eyes. It happens almost every day now and it felt so exhausting already.

Then I randomly decided to sing myself to sleep. This song suddenly popped into my mind:

"..Selidiki aku, lihat hatiku, apakah ku sungguh mengasihimu Yesus?"

The tear was just rolling.
I lay in my bed, continued to sing until I feel really sleepy. I only wish one thing that night; I just want to sleep peacefully. And God tucked me to a good sleep.

After that, whenever I'm feeling tired and lonely, I just remember Him and all His graciousness upon me even though I am not loyal. Even though I distant myself from Him so many times. I push myself, no matter how the flesh always tries to keep me away from praying, I push myself to reaching out for Him. Because I am nothing without Him, and I don't know what I would do without Him.

The tachycardia never came back.

For my brothers and sisters in prayers... it is okay to be sad.
It is okay to feel down
It is okay to let go of things
It is okay to be depressed
It is okay to feel anxiety
It is okay... as long as you still love life
As long as you not too drown into sadness
As long as you know that you're gonna need to be back to yourself
As long as you believe there will be rainbow after the rain
We will fight for it together, aren't we?