Having not speaking neither writing in this place for months seems to make me (or my fingers) "numb" at one point. It's like going back to your "OG" place where you used to hang out, then found out the place doesn't excite you anymore. I guess that's what happened to me? Blog doesn't seem to be fun like it used to be, even knowing no one will read my shits (which is solely my biggest motivation to write freely).. It just doesn't become the place where I usually run to. Wait, actually this is confusing.. is it my blog, or just writing in particular that doesn't excites me anymore? 

Well, probably both are just right. 

I lost my motivation and 2020 just went on like that. I woke up to 2020 feeling pretty blessed, pretty great and pumped up, then *POOF* it's September already. Goodness. Time has fooled us thousand times, I am telling y'all. It's September in 2020, yes, I am 30 years old, having new ash-brown hair, still working at the same place, my skin feels much better than the past years (since I have found the right skincare and dermatologist for my skin), yet wondering never have I ever feel that I hate myself more than I hate myself at the moment? I guess the answer is no. 

You read it right. Don't get me wrong tho, I am not writing this while sobbing my face with tears or being dramatic etc, the truth is I am doing this comfortably in my pajama, just showered, feeling fresh and I just calmly writing what I have in mind. Yea, tonight's theme is "go where the water takes you", and I am gonna write anything that I feel without any hesitation. No filters needed. It feels better that way, it feels like I am talking to someone that I can actually talk to, hearing, not judging and give some holistic-based-advices that is just feel "bbblaahhh" for me in a state where I am right now. 

Oh and where were we before? 

Yeah, I hate myself for so many reasons I will not clarify (it will take hundred pages) for some moment lately, and I accept this fact wholeheartedly *sipping my coffee*. 

Those voices in my head, ugh, Lord. 

Just few weeks ago; I still drowned to some routine that makes me feel sick whenever I think of it. 

I usually woke up at certain o'clock and go to shower. And while I rubbed my body with soap, I.. can cry for no exact reason. I cry in the middle of the nights as well, but my really hard ass-crying was always in the morning, just after I wake up and go to shower. God, what's with this morning hormones. In other way, I feel safer sobbing while showering, knowing that no one will hear that ugly voice of mine. No one needs to know. Aandd, it was usually for nothing. I just feel sad, and I cry. Sometimes I cry in the office too, in my own room. But thank God no one seems to notice (yeay to face shield and mask, no more apparent red eyes). I am that one person who prefers professionalism at work and I better not let anyone know their doctor was in a crybaby-phase. Work helps, anyway. Even though it's also been exhausting as I am the only GP at the moment, it makes me forget for a while. Connecting with my nurses and office mates seems more natural and relieving these days. They don't know shit about my private life, they see me as a normal; quite cheerful person? I guess. While my own "best" friends are a little bit of disappointment nowadays. Not gonna go into details; but I funnily, and probably, shallowly, think that they are now closer to my ex-boyfriend than me. They hang out more, rather than with me, the one who's been their fella for many years and introduced them to each other; hook some of them up to get to know and being close friends until now. Life is unique the way you see it, isn't it?

I am not angry at the moment. Anger, in this matter, is long gone. Bitter, probably. I learned my lesson that it's useless to be mad at something you can't control. It's all about choice and it's none of my shit to tell people what to do, who's to seeing and not seeing. I am learning that once friends started to keep secrets from you, or feel "immune" to your problems, it's only a gate or two to bigger problem for a possessive Leo friend like me. But well, anyway. I am glad that I passed the "please understand me" kind of begs and grow the fuck up. People just change, people come and go, and that's it. I am glad that they are happy anyway. Not everyone needs to be miserable like me. 

Anyway, all things considered, I finally decided to seek for help. I had consumed some pills which I found 50:50. It's helping in my insomniac episodes, yet it's useless to get rid of my morning "routine". It was probably ten days and I decided to not visit the doctor anymore. I tried to solve my own problems with my own steps. Actually, it's kinda working. When I established some new meditation routine for some weeks and moved from home to my new kosan, I stopped crying a lot. Yet nothing seems to fill that hole inside me. I am now in the state where I forget when was the last time I cry, but I also forget when was the last time I feel genuinely happy. It's just blank. It feels like I, (as cringey as it sounds) feel this emptiness inside me. Days are gone just like that and I have no real motivation to go on with future, like I don't know what I want to do rather than having a cute little kid with me to grow up with. Well Liku, than you should make it happen! Yea, I know, but all the steps that I've taken just felt odd and wrong. Whenever I decided to go with logic, feelings won. Whenever I took the feelings as my own base, it feels like "God where is my logic". 

Sometimes I just can't take "wait" for an answer. 

"No" is better than "wait".

It's like someone promises you cake but all the cakes you are seeing are in advertisements.

The thing is, where I am right now, I don't recognize myself anymore. Who are you, girl? Sometimes I feel like asking to the mirror. It looks like me, but it's not me. You are confusing. You are conflicting yourself, you can't face the truth, you don't solve your problems only to add more, and you hate the condition where you grew up with. You are often brokenhearted when you don't need to. You have many health problems. You hurt so many people. Why would anyone like you? Why would anyone miss you? Why would anyone love you, after they know the "real" you? If somebody will ever come to my face now and say they hate me, my response would be a smile and "oh thank you, but I hate myself more than you do, darling."

It feels like I always made the wrong decision. 

But one thing I know for sure, tonight, I am not making one. I read this once again from the top and I feel content about it. If I have made any right decision tonight, it will be me writing on this blog, just to talk and get rid of things that has been burden me for days, weeks, months. Thank God. Even saying that I hate myself is relieving. It's what psychologist say: "every feeling is valid." 

Truth being told, if there's one thing I can give from my random rambling tonight, it would be take care of yourself. Don't hide like me. Tell someone. Tell your parents, if they can listen, and not quickly judging. Tell your friends, your siblings, your religious leaders. If they don't judge. Not in my case. But you probably can. Seek professional help. It's been long since I accept that this pandemic has changed the world (including mine) forever, but it's harder to admit that I am depressed, yet as a doctor myself, I should recognize every time I feel my own body and soul is sick. Step aside those denials, and live to it. Being diagnosed to depression, it actually helps me to embody this "hole" inside me. At least there's a sole foundation or reason to it. Being diagnosed to PCOS is another thing but it's okay. I don't know what will happen to me in the future, but this is the first time I feel like "myself" for a moment after such a long time. That I am able to sit my ass on this chair, gather my thoughts and just being honest. Don't get too drowned you might hurt yourself... 

Those are the thoughts I try to keep repeat over and over at myself every morning. Every time I open my eyes, staring to the ceiling, biking, go to work, doing my make-up, those are the things that I said to myself to keep me from crying. 

Even God, friends and family seems distant, my soul, as shattered as it may be, is here. I am fine. I am alive. 

Hoahmm, by the way, it's late. I am grateful we can have this conversation. And I think I am going to nap now. 

Take care, you. 

Good night.